Bloc Party - Signs
Two ravens in the old oak tree, one for you and one for me
Bluebells in the late December, I see signs now all the time
The last time we slept together, there was something that was not there
You never wanted to alarm me but I’m the one that’s drowning now
I could sleep forever these days because in my dreams I see you again
But this time fleshed out fuller face in your confirmation dress
It was so like you to visit me to let me know you were ok
It was so like you visit me, always worrying about someone else
At your funeral I was so upset, so upset,
in your life you were larger than this
statuesque
I see signs now all the time that your not dead your sleeping
I believe in anything that brings you back home to me
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January 6th, 2009
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I’m researching schools. I really, really want to learn and study a subject that truly interests me. I want to go to cosmetology school. I’ve been doing some research all weekend long and I think I found a school for me. First thing tomorrow, I’m giving them a call to make an appointment to talk with them and take a tour. Their program is flexible and offers financial aid and grants. So schedule and money are NO EXCUSES! I really want to do this. I know how I am and when I am REALLY serious about something, I will make it happen. I’m extremely excited and could use something exciting and new to focus on. Life will be crazy with for a good 20 months but I’m willing to pay my dues. Hopefully there will be more good stuff to blog about after speaking with CA of B. To be continued …..
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January 4th, 2009
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I was on West Cliff in Santa Cruz, Ca when this picture was taken. When I lived up north, I would always come to West Cliff and soak up the fresh air, enjoy the beautiful scenery, and sneak away from whatever it was that was making me want to sneak away . Santa Cruz was always my escape, my get-away-hide-out. I do miss it a lot….
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July 31st, 2008
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stress… you’ve gotten the best of me these last few weeks. but i am by no means ready to fold. you have made me want to run away from everything and everyone but that would just be a cop out and really solves nothing. so once you are all sailed away and at bay, instead of running, i’m going to call it “taking a vaca”. visiting ashley and spending some alone time will be good for my mind and body…. a change of scenery aways does some good.
stress, you are a mother fucker!!!
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June 24th, 2008
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Bright Eyes - Ship In A Bottle
I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open,
That fixes all of life’s mistakes
I wanna be the house that you were raised in
The only place that you feel safe
I wanna be a shower in the morning
That wakes you up and makes you clean
I know I’m just the weather against your window
As you sleep through a winter’s dream
Someone’s churning the earth
Someone’s stirring the sky
Every color at once in a column of lights
Bacteria breeds on a microscope slide
The worm in my heart’s the apple of your eye
Don’t adore what is impossible
We have built this ship in a wine bottle
But if you knew how it worked,
We’d have to grow old
Someone’s eating at you, wakes you up in the night
If you’re digging the past, who knows what you’ll find
Read the newspaper print off the microfiche slide
And you’re holding your breath for the rest of your life
Don’t you love what is intangible
I have built this ship in a wine bottle
But if you knew who I was …
You would never grow old
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June 5th, 2008
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Good question, right? I find myself asking myself that a lot… I have this problem, issue really, with enjoying what feels good at the moment, inevitably waiting and anticipating the bad. (Ashley helps me keep things in perspective when she sees I’m having trouble, so I THANK her for helping me with this). But still with every up there is a down and instead of focusing on the “up” i find myself anticipating that “down” more… Sick really as it may seem, there is reasoning behind this way of thinking.. Its clearly a shield, a guard, a padded wall I have build around myself as protection. Although by no means, is it right, good, or healthy… Like everyone, this gurl is not perfect and has issues she needs to work on. Although in my younger years, these issues were so far beyond what I was mentally prepared to dive into and really probably not even able to realize, I can say I am “awake” at this point and these once distance issues are now at the surface and have caused me to come face to face with them. It’s not easy to realize your faults and then let a lone try to correct them and make a change. I do want to be happy, and I want to enjoy the good while the good is happening now and forget the bad. They do go hand and hand but I realized what a miserable and seriously crazy way to live your life. It’s about being optimistic not pessimistic. The past is what you have to learn from, the present is where you live life to the fullest and the future is out of your control so why stress about the it?
Lesson Learned: Ha, read all of the above.
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May 29th, 2008
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it’s been an awkward weekend. i’ve been feeling really lost and not quite myself. its the weirdest thing feeling like u want to be surrounded by people but then at the same time, when surrounded, feeling all alone and anitsocial.
i know what’s sparking this, and really, i have the antidote. i’m not naive and i’m not dumb. there is no cover over these eyes. it’s more the matter of being ready. and at this moment i think i may be. i cant keep this up. it’s not healthy and its self-destructing.
i’m hurt, i’m sad, i’m confused, and anticipate lots, and lots of writings coming from this all. emotions are such a bitch sometimes.
let me get through this and i promise to have more upbeat things to say soon.
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April 20th, 2008
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Damn if this line does not sum up my life at the moment. Lots and lotsa changes that are happening like everyday it seems. Some are good, some are sad, and some I sorta saw coming…. It’s so strange to think one day you have something that seems so well nurished and full and moving full steam ahead and then within a blink of an eye, its gone. Yup, just like that. I losta love but gained a friend so its not all that bad I guess. Although I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. My thoughts are all over the place and it really just depends on the time of day, if Im ok or not. The good news is that through the grey clouds, I do know the sun is above them still shinning. And it wont be long before that sun is shinning on me.
Lesson learned: You can’t control everything.
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April 2nd, 2008
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My hands are trembling
And my eyes are on fire
This house is crumbling
Left brain, left out, on the wire
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
My past is perilous
But each scar I bear sings
Monuments to where I have been
And melodies to where I am going
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
When will I see you again?
Still-life can only go so far
I need you in front of me
Saying my name
Saying to me…
“I want you the way you are
You, the way you are”
You make me happy
You magnify my better half
You make me certain
Though all I have today is your photograph
You make me happy
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March 26th, 2008
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